144. Kadang kadang mungkin

If I could, I would choose to not knowing you.

Kenal dengan ramai orang tak la sebagus yang kadang kadang ramai orang sangka. Dalam ramai ramai orang kau akan jumpa macam macam sayang. Tapi dalam sayang juga kau akan jumpakan macam macam gila. Dalam gila, kau tak tahu mana kau patut berada dan apa yang kau patut rasa. Sampai masa, mungkin kau jadi lupa dan terlupa nak buat apa. Apa lagi yang ada?

Aku percaya semua kenal dengan macam macam orang, dengar macam macam cerita, percaya macam macam. Itu apa yang aku percaya.
Tapi apa yang aku rasa? Aku rasa bodoh.
Mudah percaya dan mudah sayang. Sayang pun ada macam macam.
Kadang kadang memang yang kau sayangkan tu orang.
Tapi boleh jadi juga cuma bayang bayang. Bayang bayang waktu belakang, yang kau dah tak dapat ulang.

Jadi, apa harus jadi pada orang orang ni semua? Patut buang atau patut peram.
Kau faham? Fikir.
Kalau dah tak guna, kau buang. Kalau kau simpan pun, kau peram. Lama lama jadi busuk masam.
Tapi, mungkin juga kadang kadang yang dah masam tu jadi ubat buat sakit daripada waktu suram.

Kesimpulannya?

143. What's new, 2018?

Sedar tak sedar dah dekat setengah tahun kita buka buku 2018. Buku 2017 korang macam mana? Aku punya? Gila rabak, lunyai. Lunyai dengan air mata dan water colour. Macam macam jenis gila aku jumpa pada 2017. Seperti sebuah cerita, ada plot permulaan, klimaks, peruraian. Tapi buku 2017 aku kucar kacir. Yang mana aku sangka lepas ribut pertengahan 2017, akan ada aman pada akhirnya. Tapi silap. Tetap serabut sampai habis.

But I'm grateful with my 2017. Tahun yang banyak ajar aku macam macam.

142. Faith

Take a walk I'll hold your hands for now
It's happening, it's happening
Makes it hard to lose another night
I'll pretend that I'm a man for now
It's difficult, it's difficult
To soothe a wounded heart

Some part of the lyrics from the song Faith from Seven Collar T-Shirt.

I have a song that will remind me of the person I keep in my heart. And this song, remind me of one person.

How's life, everyone? It has been 6 months I didn't post anything here. Life continue. With all the goods and bullshits we can't control.

The song. Why I started with that lyric. This song is the song that always remind me of my friend who has a 'gift'. He is sick and about to die. He said he has less than a year. Yes, that is his 'gift'. His disease is the 'gift'.

In his life, he has a lot of dreams and I said I would love to help him get what he want at least one before he died.

To make things short, he asked me to marry him. Last month. I said no and the rest is history. It's so fucked up. I have my reason why I said no.

Not because I don't want to be a 'janda muda'.
Not because of his looks.
Not because I cannot make his dream come true.
Not because of love (bullshit).

I have my reason and he asked me to leave. And I did. I don't know will I still get the chance to meet him in his short lifetime. I've known him since primary school. And now I lost another friend.

This is so frustating but I won't make sacrifices for someone who won't sacrifice anything for me. That is the reason.

(Edited)
Plus, the night after I posted this, I got to know that one version of the story he told me is not true. At all. I don't mind if he want to lie but it's like a totally different story from what he told me. I bet he is a psycho and I'm glad I didn't accept his idea to marry me.

That one story he told is so mindfucking because the truth is really not like what he said. I don't think I can believe all the things he told me anymore. I'm relieved I cut connection with him. I don't know why guys love to lie to me or take advantage on me. Fuck these bullshits. Aku malas nak layan. Aku tak rugi apa pun la. #MenAreDumb

So, these are all the bullshits.

Goodbye.