140. Day by day

Assalamualaikum. Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang.

Day by day, I thought I can go through life without thinking about him, without hoping that he will be next to me or at least there is a device connecting us from the other side. Or at least feel relief a bit to know that he feels the same as I do. But actually, it's not happening.

I don't know if I am the one who feel so scared to face the truth or I am afraid that the things I said above won't happen like how I want. I don't mind if it doesn't happen but I am not ready yet to lost. Even though he has never been mine.

It all started since April this year. He told me about his family. About his parents had divorced (it is actually a private thing here to talk about family especially when it is unhappy thing). He came to me so many times to ask me what I have been doing, what song did I practiced and sort. He even said "ganbatte!" to me quite a lot at that time.

Time flies. There's up and down in our relationship (friendship maybe? Eh friendship la kan haha). I cannot tell everything here. I might need 2 days to summarize and write it all. Haha. There is something weird or unusual thing he will do almost everytime we meet. He did so many things that he didn't do to anyone else.

Today, we had a performance at an old folks home near our university and we had a duo song together. He came to me when I was alone. I love to take pictures so I went there to take pictures because I got to take photos of the oldies including the performers but everyone else chose to watch from the other side. Hmm do I need to tell everything here? It will be a very long post. To make it short, I feel like giving up but lately we are getting closer. Huh this is hard.

亮くん、今までいろいろありましたね。君がそばにいると私が落ち着くよ。ドキドキしてましたが、君がいるから心強くなれますよ。なんで君のことが好きになったのかな。なんで君なんですか？なんでこんな複雑な気持ちになったのかな。君に「好きだ」って言えるっちゃ言えるけど、その後何の状態になるか分からないから、言うのをやめときました。自分でこの気持ちを捨てたいですが、ほかの人に「頑張って」と言われたので、今まで君に伝えれない言葉が残ってる。私はいつまで我慢できるかいまだに知らない。それでも、お互い頑張りましょう。私は君のことが好きだから。ずっとそばにいて欲しいです。

"The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before miracle happen. Don't give up."

139. #lovelystrangers 1

Assalamualaikum. Hello. Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang.

Dah lama tak kongsi cerita di sini. I write more in my Instagram. But it seems like some people are unable to read it so I think I will post it here too. Please allow me :)

This is my story during last spring holiday. My Japanese friends came to Malaysia and this happened when they were in Malaysia.

This photo was taken at Batu Caves. This uncle is a lovely stranger. I first saw him when he was feeding the ikan koi in the pond. He's alone. Then, I just went up into the temple with Japanese friends. When I got down from the temple, he's feeding all the pigeons with maruku. My friends wanted to go and take a look at some of the shops there while me, when I saw him, I really wanted to talk with him. So, I just let my friends go to wherever they want while I go to this uncle and have some conversations. He even gave me some of the maruku and feed the pigeons on my hand. There's one pigeon stay with me like forever. It didn't want to fly away. Haha.

Me : Uncle, mmg selalu dtg sini bagi ikan makan, burung makan semua ke?
Uncle : Ada la kadang kadang seminggu 3, 4 kali datang.
Me : Uncle datang naik apa? Drive?
Uncle : Ya la. Saya duduk Kepong.
Me : Oh. (masa ni dah hilang idea nak borak apa so tukar topik) Uncle haritu Chinese New Year banyak 'ong' tak?
Uncle : Takda la. Saya pun takda main mahjung. Takda buka table.
Me : Oh. Tapi uncle ada balik kampung la?
Uncle : Takda la. Saya takda kampung. Tak balik la.

At this point, I can read that actually he is lonely. So, I stopped that topic and just talk about those pigeons in front of us. Sometimes he asked me about my study and stuff.

When the maruku in my hand had finished, at the same time my friends came. Suddenly, he took out his wallet and gave me angpow. He said' "nah la I bagi angpow kita kawan kawan." I was shocked. So we took picture together with the pigeon (if you can see there's a pigeon with me) and I knew I have to go. He made some jokes and said, "merpati tu takmau terbang you bawak balik la. Masuk beg bawak balik." Haha.

Take care and thank you Uncle. May God bless you. 

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Life is full of problem and things we do not understand. I hope everyone out there, please do good to others no matter who they are. You do not know what they are going through. Jangan cepat sangat judge and assume yang bukan bukan.

I hope I can still meet this uncle. Or do the same thing to other lovely strangers. I love Malaysia. I miss Malaysia.

138. The Kambal

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum. I don't know how to start this. After some times, finally I have something stuck in my head and my heart which have something to do about guy and love. Lately, I always talk to myself and remind myself that I don't want to neither get married nor have a boyfriend.

You can say whatever you want. You can say that I'm desperate, I'm lonely, I'm jealous with anyone else but the truth is you don't know. Unless you feel the same way as I do.

To make it short, I met two guys (they're twins actually) last two weeks. Perfectly written by Allah, we became friends just with a short conversation. We went for breakfast together with my two Japanese friends. We've chat for so long about so many things. Haha. And that was the moment that I know I've fell for the Abang but he already love someone else for 4 years but the other person didn't respond to him.

The day before yesterday, we met again. And this time, we talked like we've been friends for years. We met in a meet and greet session after a theatre. They have played a role in that theatre. And confirm, I know, aku suka dia. I don't know why but it is happened.

For so long (about 21 years), if I like a person, I will give up from the start and back off before I try. I don't know if I should the same thing in this case. Some of my friends advised me to at least give a chance to myself and give it a try to be in love. I'm afraid of rejection. Malu.

137. For 2015

So, as everyone knows, I'm studying in Japan. And as all of you know too (maybe), last 2014 seems to be the hardest year for my country, Malaysia. We face so many things which never happen in our national history. The lost and sadness, all the shocking news and tragedy, the tears, the gloom, the condolences and grief, everything. Me, as a Malaysian, even though my life is (not really) affected with everything happened, but deep inside, I am.

MH370 lost about a month before I had my first flight in my whole life, before I came to Japan.
MH17 been shot down in Ramadhan, exactly a month before I fly back to Malaysia in summer holiday.
End of 2014, news reported that QZ8501 has ended in a tragic way.

In this 2014, we had lost many friends, family members, brothers, sisters and lovely strangers. But Allah done his job and I hope many of us also found the 'present' that Allah had given to all of us.

Maybe, I know. For some of us, there's no more day in 2015 and until forever will ever be the same again after everything that happened in 2014.
For some of us, there's no more laughter and happiness they once got.
For some of us, there's only tears and regret.
For some of us, they had lost their loved ones and no one in this world can replace them.
For some of us, no longer wait for tomorrow to come.

For 2015, I hope we will stay stronger and stand stronger together to face any hardship in the future.

With love,
Syahirah.