145. Dia hancur

Gadis dengan kesedihan di matanya
Kepedihan di hatinya
Kepahitan di memorinya
Luka, parut, lebam
Yang tanggal dan hilang
Semuanya dibiarkan sendiri
Disimpan rapi
Tahan
Sampai mati

7 September 2020

P/s: apa lagi yang aku buat ni? Apa lagi yang aku nak sedih sedih ni?

144. Kadang kadang mungkin

If I could, I would choose to not knowing you.

Kenal dengan ramai orang tak la sebagus yang kadang kadang ramai orang sangka. Dalam ramai ramai orang kau akan jumpa macam macam sayang. Tapi dalam sayang juga kau akan jumpakan macam macam gila. Dalam gila, kau tak tahu mana kau patut berada dan apa yang kau patut rasa. Sampai masa, mungkin kau jadi lupa dan terlupa nak buat apa. Apa lagi yang ada?

Aku percaya semua kenal dengan macam macam orang, dengar macam macam cerita, percaya macam macam. Itu apa yang aku percaya.
Tapi apa yang aku rasa? Aku rasa bodoh.
Mudah percaya dan mudah sayang. Sayang pun ada macam macam.
Kadang kadang memang yang kau sayangkan tu orang.
Tapi boleh jadi juga cuma bayang bayang. Bayang bayang waktu belakang, yang kau dah tak dapat ulang.

Jadi, apa harus jadi pada orang orang ni semua? Patut buang atau patut peram.
Kau faham? Fikir.
Kalau dah tak guna, kau buang. Kalau kau simpan pun, kau peram. Lama lama jadi busuk masam.
Tapi, mungkin juga kadang kadang yang dah masam tu jadi ubat buat sakit daripada waktu suram.

Kesimpulannya?

143. What's new, 2018?

Sedar tak sedar dah dekat setengah tahun kita buka buku 2018. Buku 2017 korang macam mana? Aku punya? Gila rabak, lunyai. Lunyai dengan air mata dan water colour. Macam macam jenis gila aku jumpa pada 2017. Seperti sebuah cerita, ada plot permulaan, klimaks, peruraian. Tapi buku 2017 aku kucar kacir. Yang mana aku sangka lepas ribut pertengahan 2017, akan ada aman pada akhirnya. Tapi silap. Tetap serabut sampai habis.

But I'm grateful with my 2017. Tahun yang banyak ajar aku macam macam.

142. Faith

Take a walk I'll hold your hands for now
It's happening, it's happening
Makes it hard to lose another night
I'll pretend that I'm a man for now
It's difficult, it's difficult
To soothe a wounded heart

Some part of the lyrics from the song Faith from Seven Collar T-Shirt.

I have a song that will remind me of the person I keep in my heart. And this song, remind me of one person.

How's life, everyone? It has been 6 months I didn't post anything here. Life continue. With all the goods and bullshits we can't control.

The song. Why I started with that lyric. This song is the song that always remind me of my friend who has a 'gift'. He is sick and about to die. He said he has less than a year. Yes, that is his 'gift'. His disease is the 'gift'.

In his life, he has a lot of dreams and I said I would love to help him get what he want at least one before he died.

To make things short, he asked me to marry him. Last month. I said no and the rest is history. It's so fucked up. I have my reason why I said no.

Not because I don't want to be a 'janda muda'.
Not because of his looks.
Not because I cannot make his dream come true.
Not because of love (bullshit).

I have my reason and he asked me to leave. And I did. I don't know will I still get the chance to meet him in his short lifetime. I've known him since primary school. And now I lost another friend.

This is so frustating but I won't make sacrifices for someone who won't sacrifice anything for me. That is the reason.

(Edited)
Plus, the night after I posted this, I got to know that one version of the story he told me is not true. At all. I don't mind if he want to lie but it's like a totally different story from what he told me. I bet he is a psycho and I'm glad I didn't accept his idea to marry me.

That one story he told is so mindfucking because the truth is really not like what he said. I don't think I can believe all the things he told me anymore. I'm relieved I cut connection with him. I don't know why guys love to lie to me or take advantage on me. Fuck these bullshits. Aku malas nak layan. Aku tak rugi apa pun la. #MenAreDumb

So, these are all the bullshits.

Goodbye.

141. The single doesn't mean they are not in love

Maybe that girl who is still single is having problem within herself.

Maybe she is still in love with her ex. Maybe her ex boyfriend is a vocalist from a band and she knows things he sing is all about her. Maybe they have been together since he was no one but as he getting famous, they teared apart.

Maybe she is in love with someone everyone can see in the TV. That feeling only she knows because the Guy won't let her tell the World.

Maybe she is waiting for someone she cannot have. The one guy who have gone so far away with her heart in his hands but he doesn't realized it. And he found his Love there. He doesn't come back.

Maybe she is in love with someone she cannot meet again. Maybe the guy has met his God and left her in this cruel world. Maybe she is still surviving to let him go from her heart and open up to somebody new. But, she still come to the same place and send prayers to him from everywhere she go.

Maybe she is still surviving to help her family and want to spend more time and get more love from them. Her family which she had left them for years to pursue her dreams and come back just to make sure she won't regret the thing she didn't do when she had the chance.

Maybe she loves to be independent and have everything settled first only then she open up to somebody. Because she wants to be the Help to her partner and not the Burden. That is the love she already has towards someone she doesn't meet yet.

Love, loving, loved. In so many ways.

140. Day by day

Assalamualaikum. Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang.

Day by day, I thought I can go through life without thinking about him, without hoping that he will be next to me or at least there is a device connecting us from the other side. Or at least feel relief a bit to know that he feels the same as I do. But actually, it's not happening.

I don't know if I am the one who feel so scared to face the truth or I am afraid that the things I said above won't happen like how I want. I don't mind if it doesn't happen but I am not ready yet to lost. Even though he has never been mine.

It all started since April this year. He told me about his family. About his parents had divorced (it is actually a private thing here to talk about family especially when it is unhappy thing). He came to me so many times to ask me what I have been doing, what song did I practiced and sort. He even said "ganbatte!" to me quite a lot at that time.

Time flies. There's up and down in our relationship (friendship maybe? Eh friendship la kan haha). I cannot tell everything here. I might need 2 days to summarize and write it all. Haha. There is something weird or unusual thing he will do almost everytime we meet. He did so many things that he didn't do to anyone else.

Today, we had a performance at an old folks home near our university and we had a duo song together. He came to me when I was alone. I love to take pictures so I went there to take pictures because I got to take photos of the oldies including the performers but everyone else chose to watch from the other side. Hmm do I need to tell everything here? It will be a very long post. To make it short, I feel like giving up but lately we are getting closer. Huh this is hard.

亮くん、今までいろいろありましたね。君がそばにいると私が落ち着くよ。ドキドキしてましたが、君がいるから心強くなれますよ。なんで君のことが好きになったのかな。なんで君なんですか？なんでこんな複雑な気持ちになったのかな。君に「好きだ」って言えるっちゃ言えるけど、その後何の状態になるか分からないから、言うのをやめときました。自分でこの気持ちを捨てたいですが、ほかの人に「頑張って」と言われたので、今まで君に伝えれない言葉が残ってる。私はいつまで我慢できるかいまだに知らない。それでも、お互い頑張りましょう。私は君のことが好きだから。ずっとそばにいて欲しいです。

"The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before miracle happen. Don't give up."

139. #lovelystrangers 1

Assalamualaikum. Hello. Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang.

Dah lama tak kongsi cerita di sini. I write more in my Instagram. But it seems like some people are unable to read it so I think I will post it here too. Please allow me :)

This is my story during last spring holiday. My Japanese friends came to Malaysia and this happened when they were in Malaysia.

This photo was taken at Batu Caves. This uncle is a lovely stranger. I first saw him when he was feeding the ikan koi in the pond. He's alone. Then, I just went up into the temple with Japanese friends. When I got down from the temple, he's feeding all the pigeons with maruku. My friends wanted to go and take a look at some of the shops there while me, when I saw him, I really wanted to talk with him. So, I just let my friends go to wherever they want while I go to this uncle and have some conversations. He even gave me some of the maruku and feed the pigeons on my hand. There's one pigeon stay with me like forever. It didn't want to fly away. Haha.

Me : Uncle, mmg selalu dtg sini bagi ikan makan, burung makan semua ke?
Uncle : Ada la kadang kadang seminggu 3, 4 kali datang.
Me : Uncle datang naik apa? Drive?
Uncle : Ya la. Saya duduk Kepong.
Me : Oh. (masa ni dah hilang idea nak borak apa so tukar topik) Uncle haritu Chinese New Year banyak 'ong' tak?
Uncle : Takda la. Saya pun takda main mahjung. Takda buka table.
Me : Oh. Tapi uncle ada balik kampung la?
Uncle : Takda la. Saya takda kampung. Tak balik la.

At this point, I can read that actually he is lonely. So, I stopped that topic and just talk about those pigeons in front of us. Sometimes he asked me about my study and stuff.

When the maruku in my hand had finished, at the same time my friends came. Suddenly, he took out his wallet and gave me angpow. He said' "nah la I bagi angpow kita kawan kawan." I was shocked. So we took picture together with the pigeon (if you can see there's a pigeon with me) and I knew I have to go. He made some jokes and said, "merpati tu takmau terbang you bawak balik la. Masuk beg bawak balik." Haha.

Take care and thank you Uncle. May God bless you. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is full of problem and things we do not understand. I hope everyone out there, please do good to others no matter who they are. You do not know what they are going through. Jangan cepat sangat judge and assume yang bukan bukan.

I hope I can still meet this uncle. Or do the same thing to other lovely strangers. I love Malaysia. I miss Malaysia.

138. The Kambal

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum. I don't know how to start this. After some times, finally I have something stuck in my head and my heart which have something to do about guy and love. Lately, I always talk to myself and remind myself that I don't want to neither get married nor have a boyfriend.

You can say whatever you want. You can say that I'm desperate, I'm lonely, I'm jealous with anyone else but the truth is you don't know. Unless you feel the same way as I do.

To make it short, I met two guys (they're twins actually) last two weeks. Perfectly written by Allah, we became friends just with a short conversation. We went for breakfast together with my two Japanese friends. We've chat for so long about so many things. Haha. And that was the moment that I know I've fell for the Abang but he already love someone else for 4 years but the other person didn't respond to him.

The day before yesterday, we met again. And this time, we talked like we've been friends for years. We met in a meet and greet session after a theatre. They have played a role in that theatre. And confirm, I know, aku suka dia. I don't know why but it is happened.

For so long (about 21 years), if I like a person, I will give up from the start and back off before I try. I don't know if I should the same thing in this case. Some of my friends advised me to at least give a chance to myself and give it a try to be in love. I'm afraid of rejection. Malu.

137. For 2015

So, as everyone knows, I'm studying in Japan. And as all of you know too (maybe), last 2014 seems to be the hardest year for my country, Malaysia. We face so many things which never happen in our national history. The lost and sadness, all the shocking news and tragedy, the tears, the gloom, the condolences and grief, everything. Me, as a Malaysian, even though my life is (not really) affected with everything happened, but deep inside, I am.

MH370 lost about a month before I had my first flight in my whole life, before I came to Japan.
MH17 been shot down in Ramadhan, exactly a month before I fly back to Malaysia in summer holiday.
End of 2014, news reported that QZ8501 has ended in a tragic way.

In this 2014, we had lost many friends, family members, brothers, sisters and lovely strangers. But Allah done his job and I hope many of us also found the 'present' that Allah had given to all of us.

Maybe, I know. For some of us, there's no more day in 2015 and until forever will ever be the same again after everything that happened in 2014.
For some of us, there's no more laughter and happiness they once got.
For some of us, there's only tears and regret.
For some of us, they had lost their loved ones and no one in this world can replace them.
For some of us, no longer wait for tomorrow to come.

For 2015, I hope we will stay stronger and stand stronger together to face any hardship in the future.

With love,
Syahirah.

136. My first performance with Hiroshima University Guitar Club

Assalamualaikum. Hai korang. Panjang sgt tajuk harini haha.

So, benda ni harini. Tadi petang.

It's my first performance with Merah (the guitar I rent from the guitar club) and it was okay. Everything is just okay, I think.

So, everything that has start must come to an end. (Bodoh ayat klise gila haha). So, today is the end. The end of the start. Because this is my first ever performance with guitar club, so this is the first and foremost. But this has ended.

From left : Haruna, Nao, me (Syahirah), Tsumura, Moe, Hirose, Momiki :)
*gambar masa rehearsal semalam

These are the people who have been with me almost 4 months to practice the same song. It's a long journey, right? Haha. All of us is the new member of the club. We played A Whole New World which is the OST for Disney movie, Aladin. It's a long period we've met each other for thrice (sometimes 4 times) a week to practice. I can say it's worth the effort, kot? Haha. So a week full of laugh and random things has come to an end. Tapi rilek la, something good may be come later. So, I'm not literally lost them but after this, we will play any song (maybe different song) and with different member. We will mix with senior and practice with them.

We will still meet each other like usual but this is my first time working with them, my first time perform with guitar and with these awesome people, I hope I won't forget this.

Thank you Momiki.
Thank you Hirose.
Thank you Moe.
Thank you Tsumura.
Thank you Nao.
Thank you Haruna.

P/s : Momiki is the one who played the same part with me (3rd guitar) and it's the hardest. And Momiki ni suka buat benda yg sgt random sampai kadang kadang kau tak faham dia. Takpe la, Momiki. Hahahaha. Thank you Momiki (for everything) :')

Itu dia. Pemetik gitar utk 3rd lagu A Whole New World.
Haha abaikan mamat tu muka macam orang bangun tidur.

お疲れ様でした！これから頑張りましょう！

Yang tepi sekali paling kiri ialah super senior.
Dia jadi conductor je tapi dia tiba tiba nak masuk merasa muda. Haha.

GIRL POWER!  *\(^_^)/*

Hmm let me introduce.
From left : Hirose, Sasaki, Keiya, Kikuchi, Haruyan, Momiki, Katou.
Not in the pic : Tsumura (sebab dia tak habis tugas lagi masa ni haha)

Ok dah tu je. Aku happy juga sebab finally dapat merasa mcm mana kerja belakang tabir. Memang nak sgt merasa haha. Soundcheck, set lighting, rehearsal, full dress rehearsal, menunggu kat luar hall berjam jam utk rehearsal, lapar, penat, ngantuk, semua ada. Tapi aku happy sgt. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you juga untuk yang guys lain lain ni sebab menceriakan hahaha. Diorang main lagu lain. Tapi lepas ni harap dapat bekerjasama dengan korang pula. Ecehhh haha. Sebab diorang ni gila dan gila gila.

Ini last. Look at their expression. Haha. Momiki terselit belakang Haruyan. Hahaha.

Ok. Bye. Maybe after this aku akan byk ckp pasal gitar juga la kat sini. Thanks to everyone who read. Aku jadi malas nak update Instagram dah. Aku update dan kemudian aku delete balik. Kenapa entah la. Haha.

P/ss : Nah merasa la korang nak tengok orang orang Jepun dari sini. Hahaha.

From my point of view. For almost 3 hours.
Sit here alone and sometimes some people come and go. Yea, that's life. Haha.

135. Recent

Hai korang, assalamualaikum. Sihat tak?

You know, here, when we get into our second year, we will be separated into three courses. We can choose which course we want to study. It's architecture, civil engineer and transportation engineer. For me, I always wanted to know more about plane and ship. So, of course I will choose transportation engineer as my path in second year. And that's the reason why I came to Hiroshima at the first place.

So, what's bothering me? Let me tell you guys. In my entire class, we have about 146 students and only 24 ladies. Between these 24 ladies, only 3 of us want to pursue in transportation engineer. I'm not saying that it's a problem or not a problem even there's just 3 ladies in a class full with guys. I'm getting used to it. But do you know how much we can feel lonely? We will lose.

I have a friend, she's so happy-go-lucky and friendly with everyone. She always smile and laugh. She's so cute. I can say that she's my closest Japanese friend. She knows who is handsome in my eyes. Hahaha. Even when I'm going back to Malaysia, she asked me to have video call (Skype) with her. And during my homecoming, she went to Indonesia for a student exchange program for about three weeks. She also had a video call with me at that time even though she knows how slow is the internet in Malaysia and Indonesia. We talked so much. Actually, I'm a little bit shy to speak Japanese in front of my family. But, just to Skype with her, I did, I talked in Japanese at that time. And she teased me by bringing the laptop she used to Skype to the guy whom I said he's handsome. Hahaha. I was so shy -,-'

One day, we went to the cafeteria together. Out of sudden, she said "oh man, we will get lonely in second year! (she said this in Japanese okay)" I asked "why?", she answered "because we will get into different class (she wants to pursue in civil engineering). We will be separated." I never think that there will be someone (Japanese friend) will say that to me. You don't know what kind of friend they are (I don't think I need to explain) but it's such a bless to have them as my friend.

So, yeah. I think of the same thing. We will be lonely. Especially us, whom going to transportation engineering because there will be just 3 girls (in the meantime because we still can change our choice and it also depends on our result in the first year).

And there's another story.

There's a guy inside my class. I love to look at him since the first semester. He's so tall and so thin, I think. His hair was dyed brown in last semester. He will only wear spectacles during class. So, he will not wear specs outside of class. So, what I love about him? Everything. Haha. And he's like a shy guy whom rarely talk to a girl because I never see him talking to the ladies. But, actually I can see that he's not so passive. I mean, he talks but just with his close friends.

So, there's a day in new semester (second semester), I tried to talk to him and his friends. I saw he changed his hair colour. It turned black. Haha. I bought a lot of chocolate in Malaysia to give my friends here. So, I went to him and his friends like so out of the blue and said "hey, this is chocolate I bought from Malaysia. You may take some." with smile. And they looked surprise. Haha. I asked their names and I remember it until now. We have a group chat in LINE which almost everyone (126 people) is already in the group and I found his account there. I always feel like wanna add him and send him a message and chat but I'm afraid and shy. I'm afraid of so many things. So, I stopped myself from adding him in the LINE.

In the first semester, we just got into 4 same classes.But, surprisingly, in this semester, we have 10 classes together. I know, there are so many chances to talk with him but as I said before, I'm too shy to talk to him because I know he won't talk back. I mean, he won't have any topic to talk about. I'm afraid of his reaction and what others will think about me. So, I'm started to give up and don't want to talk with him anymore. I want but I think it will be better if I don't talk with him.

So, yesterday, I went to the convenience store in the university to buy lunch. I went there with my other 2 friends. 2 of us bought something instant but one of us, she bought something which need to use oven before eat it. So both of us waited for her outside of the shop and he and his friends came towards the shop. (Ok boleh cerita dlm BM tak? Ok change mood). Aku try utk tak tengok dekat diorang. Tapi, aku fikir "kan dah pernah tegur, kawan je la, tegur je la." Ok aku pun dengan hati terbuka pandang dekat diorang, masa tu diorang dah dekat sgt kot dgn aku, kalau panggil pun mmg diorang akan dengar (tapi tak panggil pun lol haha). Tapi you know what? Aku pandang ke arah diorang, and aku terus pandang si dia yg aku suka tengok tu la sbb dia diri kat tengah pun haha. Tapi, aku pandang dia, dia terus pandang tempat lain. Faham kan macam mana? Maksudnya he's been looking at me daripada sebelum tu tapi kenapa la masa aku pandang tu, dia pergi pandang tempat lain terus. Hmmm. Ok masa tu dah kecewa tapi dah mcm "ahh biarlah, takpe la".

Kelas last semalam ialah kelas Bahasa Jerman. Sama kelas dengan dia juga. Aku taktau apa yang berlaku dengan aku, even though dah kata mcm taknak tegur dia dah, taknak try apa apa pun, tapi, masa kelas Jerman tu dah habis, aku lalu depan tangga and then tiba tiba dia muncul dari tangga tu, dan aku tanpa fikir apa apa terus lambai tangan and say "hyee!" with a very wide smile. And tau tak dia balas apa? Dia tak lambai balik pun..... Tapi dia senyum yg sangat lebar mcm bercahaya muka dia. Ok sebenarnya sampai sekarang pun still ingat lagi senyuman dia. Ya Allah comel sangat la pula kan si dia tu. Adui. Serious ah dia senyum yg mcm sgt ikhlas. Hahahahahaha perasannya :'D

I wish I can be his friend but I don't know how. My senior advised me to be friend with anyone I want when I still have the chance. Because we will get into different class in next semester so we maybe rarely meet or never meet at all. So, make friends before it's late and regret. Especially make friend with your crush. Haha :D

So, I actually want to know, is it okay for me to add him in LINE? Hmm.

Ok dah. Bye korang. Nanti share lagi apa apa ya :)

134. Just a bit

Hai. Assalamualaikum semorang. Aku dah mula busy dgn macam macam.

Kat sini, aku masuk guitar club of Hiroshima University. So, aku busy dgn practice benda ni semua. Oh lagi 12 hari akan ada konsert untuk perform depan orang ramai. Nervous, tapi biarkan, ignore. Haha.

Nak kata busy study tu, macam tak....je. Hehehe. Aku pemalas. Tapi aku rajin pergi ambik kelas bahasa German pula. Haha. Kawan kawan kat sini terperanjat tengok aku masuk kelas tu. Haha. Sorry la buat korang terperanjat sgt. Aku saja je nak belajar. Lol. Lagipun mamat yg aku sukaaaaa sgt tengok tu ada dlm kelas tu. Oh and kelas volleyball pun sama. Hehehehehehe XD

Busy usha mamat mamat Jepun. Eh? Hahaha ok yg ni nak kata tipu pun tak, nak kata betul pun tak. Aku tengok je, bukan usha pun. Hehehe. Tapi ada je beberapa orang yg hensem. Aduhai terseksa mata aku. Cisss. Dah la susah nak tegur. Aku selalu yeye bersemangat nak tegur kalau jumpa mamat mamat yg aku rasa hensem ni. Sebab diorang sekelas dgn aku. Tapi, in the end, aku akan out of courage sbb diorang selalu jalan beramai ramai. At least, bertiga. Haha. Tapi ada je yg pernah tegur and diorang ok sebenarnya. Tapi aku benci awkward silence and aku taknak kalau aku tegur, pastu taktau nak borak apa. Weh, you know that feeling? -,-"

Ada sorang or actually a group of guys dlm kelas aku, ada sorang tu nama dia Kai. Most of the girls in my class said that he is the most handsome guy in our course/our class. Aku? Hmmmmm.
Panjangnya "hmmmm" tu haha. Aku tak rasa pula mcm apa yg diorang rasa. Ada orang lagi hensem kot aku rasa. Haha.

Oh ok back to the topic. This is not about me. Haha.

Aku taktau la aku ni perasan ke, apa ke. Tapi, selalunya akan ada beberapa orang yg akan tengok aku akan tersenyum sengih and aku taktau kenapa. Tadi lagi pelik. Aku jalan berdua, and diorang (group yg ada Kai tu tp tak cukup korum) 4 orang berjalan dari depan. Sebaris diorang jalan. Amboi ingat korang tgh buat video clip boyband ke? Haha. Lepas tu ada 2 orang, tengok pastu senyum senyum. Yg sorang tu, masa sem lepas, aku pernah jadi hero dia sbb telah berjaya menyelamatkan phone dia haha. Yg lagi sorang tu, hmmm I don't know.

Oh, and most of budak yg sama group dgn Kai ni ambik kelas volleyball juga termasuk juga la Kai. Haha. So, eventually, ramai la mamat mamat hensem dlm kelas volleyball tu. Lol. Haha.

Ada kawan Jepun perempuan siap bagi semangat dan tips lagi mcm mana nak mengorat or at least start berkawan dulu dgn mamat mamat Jepun ni. Sebab sebenarnya diorang pemalu. Lewlllzzz. Tapi betul juga tu. Diorang pemalu dengan perempuan. Hmmm. Takpe nanti aku kumpul keberanian dan semangat ya untuk tegur korang. Hehehe.

Oh ok bye. Doakan aku kat sini baik baik je eh. Terima kasih.

133. Lost Stars

I'm sorry for being to clingy. I keep repeating the same song since yesterday. And today, I got a news from somewhere about something. It made me cry. It's been so long. I can't remember when was the last time I cried like that (like this because I will cry out of sudden).

I lost something. I can say that they're stars. I lost my stars. I'm sorry I cry. I'm not ready for this. It's a lot to take. This is so sudden. It happened twice. I'm sorry. Please give me some times to heal myself and move on from this. I can't bear to lose all of you, my stars. I'm sorry.

I remember I've posted a photo in instagram with "the greatest fear of not being home is you lost something back home when you are not around. All the promises and memories mix up and you are all left there don't know what to do. And something is gone. Never come back." written as the caption.

It will never be the same. I hope I will remain the same. I hope.

132.

Assalamualaikum semua yg membaca. Sihat? Aku sihat bertambah sihat semenjak balik Malaysia ni. Hahaha. Iyaaa sekarang kat Malaysia Tanah Tumpah Darahku. Hehehe.


Selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan Malaysia dan Selamat Hari Malaysia!

Ini pos yg setelah sekian lama tak update blog pakai laptop punya. Haha. So macam excited sikit nak bagitau yang finally I got my very first laptop in my lifetime. Haha. Lenovo je. Tapi tak ingat la Lenovo apa. G500 kot? Hehe layankan je. Warna hitam kacak dan menawan.

So, just nak tulis pasal tu. Insya Allah will be more active update blog lagi lepas. Nak share gambar gambar daripada Jepun nanti. Insya Allah.

Will get soooo busy tak lama lagi. Harap semua orang sihat dan jaga diri.
Till then.


p/s : balik Jepun 22 September ni. Doakan selamat perjalanan ya?

131. Teh hijau

Assalamualaikum. Aku selalu percaya walau sejauh mana pun kita terpisah, kita masih berkongsi bulan yang sama, langit yang sama, mentari dan bintang yang sama. Aku berat nak lepaskan pergi semua memori. Tapi aku rasa aku perlu. Sebab memori tetap tinggal memori. Dan janji, ada masa tak ditepati. Aku tak letak harapan apa apa pun pada kau, tak berjanji apa apa pun pada kau, dan tak mungkin akan jadi apa apa pun antara kita. Aku sayang kau. Aku harap satu hari nanti aku boleh ada rasa cinta pada seseorang. Yang rasanya sama macam rasa cinta aku pada teh hijau. Yang cintanya dan dirinya sama seperti teh hijau. Aku berharap.

130. Sebenarnya aku bersyukur

Assalamualaikum semua orang.

Korang semua mesti tau kan yang aku ni adik beradik sorang je perempuan. I have 3 brothers. Masing masing perangai lain lain. So being the only girl seems to be hard sometimes. But it's not hard actually. Something that I felt hard just didn't happen on the right time maybe.

You know? My life full of men. My siblings, my cousins, my college. But whatever it is, I'm glad. Tak aku sebenarnya nak cerita pasal my brothers. Aku sebenarnya tengah marah ni. Tapi bukan la marah adik beradik aku. Aku je yang mengada ngada tetiba nak naik angin.　Pehal entah.

Ok aku jujur cakap eh. Dulu masa kecik kecik, aku selalu tertanya tanya. Kenapa aku sorang perempuan? Takde kakak? Takde adik perempuan? Takde kawan. Aku selalu nangis kena buli, kena kacau dengan diorang. Aku ingat lagi dulu aku kalau boleh taknak gunting rambut pendek sebab nanti kena ejek dengan abang abang aku. Diorang ejek macam lelaki. Pastu aku ingat bila time aku nak beli barang yang macam perempuan perempuan sikit mcm selipar perempuan, kasut tumit ke, nanti mesti ada provokasi yg aku dengar. Jadi akhirnya, aku tak jadi beli semua benda benda tu.

Dan lagi, lelaki kan ada ego, ada perangai pemalas dia tu. Aku memang kena sabar je la dengan benda camtu. Kadang kadang memang marah tapi diam je la. Lari masuk bilik marah sorang sorang. Sebab aku bukan jenis melawan. Aku tak garang. Kot. Kadang kadang aku rasa aku taknak jumpa diorang. Buat sakit hati.

Tapi kau tau, behind all of those things, aku sayang diorang. Tak kisah la apa yang diorang pernah buat, pernah cakap kat aku semua. Aku sayang diorang. Bila fikir fikir balik, hikmah jugak semua ni. Maybe diorang taknak tengok the one and only sister they have ni jadi gedik, lembik, mengada ngada. Tau melawa je tapi benda lain apa semua taktau buat. Diorang taknak macam tu kot sebab tu diorang did all of those harsh things before this kat aku.

Tau tak? Disebabkan aku sorang perempuan, kadang diorang buli aku. Walaupun dah besar besar ni. First first marah jugak la. Tapi lama lama dah lali. Sekarang dah start study,kadang kadang aku rindu diorang. Aku pernah cakap kat member kat kolej, "aku anggap semua budak laki kat sini, senior ke, sama batch ke, kalau ada junior nanti pun, aku anggap macam brother aku." Tapi sebenarnya tak sama rasa brother sendiri dengan brother yang kau anggapkan. Haha. Faham ke tak ni? Sorry BM aku dah bercelaru sikit. BI pun. Sorry.

So ni nak cerita sikit. Pasal my brothers ni la. You know, having 3 brothers and being the only girl won't let you be girly. Haha. Macam aku la. Diorang ni kelakar tau. So aku akan gelak besar besar sukahati aku bila aku rasa benda tu kelakar. Aku tau buruk kan perempuan gelak besar tapi aku tak boleh control. Dah terbiasa. Haha. Sampai ada sekali tu pergi rumah abang aku, dia duduk dengan kawan dia. Pastu aku sukahati gelak, pastu mak aku cakap kat kawan abang aku, "ha minta maaf la. Biasa la sorang perempuan tapi kadang tak macam perempuan". Hahaha. Selamba.

Abang aku yg kedua mcm kelakar sikit. Dari kecik dia selalu tersasul cakap. Kalau nak ckp 'kedai runcit' dia sebut 'kedai duit'. Kalau nak cakap 'kasut tumit', dia sebut 'kasut lutut'. Ok yg tu lawak gila. Haha. Ok last last. Semalam, dalam kereta keluar lagu yang 'Apo Kono Eh Jang' tu. Yang AC Mizal dengan Fida nyanyi tu kan. Kitorang dalam kereta semua berbual la. Pastu adik aku tanya, "eh AC Mizal ni orang Negeri Sembilan ke? Bukan dia lahir kat Johor?" Pastu abang kedua aku ni dengan yakin dan laju nya cakap "Eh AC Milan ni orang Nogori la" dan terus senyap mcm ada bunyi cengkerik krik krik dlm kereta. Tiba tiba, adik aku bersuara, "eh abg Iwan ckp AC Milan kan tadi? Bwahahahaha!" Lepastu dia dah bengang dia taknak mengaku. Even my mum and dad pun dengar yg dia cakap AC Milan. Hahaha. P/s : Ni sebenarnya post lama. Aku tengah scroll drafts and jumpa post ni. So aku post. I am just wondering. Macam mana kalau aku nak kahwin nanti? With these 3 boys. Even aku nak fly haritu pun diorang mcm susah nak let me go. "Oi my brothers, if you're fated to read this, nak ckp ni. Jgn tipu yg korang tak sedih masa haritu deqyah fly. Nampak ok di wajah wajah hahahaha."

129. Jepun

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum. Apa khabar? Minta maaf ya. Maaf untuk semuanya. Pos pertama dari Jepun. Sihat ke semua yang ada di tanah air? Ada ke antara mereka yang rindu aku? Ada ke yang teringat dan terasa palatnya jarak yang memisahkan ni? Hey, aku rindu. Semuanya. Something good may be happen here. Doakan aku kat sini. Minta tolong sangat. Doakan. Aku rindu dan aku tak kuat. Mungkin belum kuat. Kalau ada sesiapa yang rasa mcm nak cucu saudara ke, anak saudara ke, bakal menantu ke rupa orang Jepun, bolehlah doakan saya yang kat sini ni dapat kahwin orang Jepun. Hahahahahaha. Ok ni dah start merepek memang payah. Tapi boleh tambah umat Islam di muka bumi Allah ni. Kan? :) Aku serabut sebenarnya. Ada mamat hensem. Dia..... Ok bye. Dah Subuh. Assalamualaikum.

128. 存在

Assalamualaikum. More than 17 months I've studied in KL. In that college, I learnt so many things. But I think I learnt about lose & losing the most. Pernah terfikir "apa salah aku sampai orang tinggalkan aku?". Aku pernah. Tapi mana jumpa jawapan dia? Ada dalam al-Quran sebenarnya. Minta maaf la aku tak letak beberapa tafsiran ayat kat sini sbb phone ni payah sikit. Tapi boleh cari. Banyak. Al-Baqarah ada. Lagipun, Allah lernah ckp, semua ni cuma pinjaman. So, termasuklah orang krang yg pernah ada dlm hidup ni. Sebenarnya, kita tak salah, orang yg meninggalkan pun tak salah. Salah siapa? Tuhan? Sudah tentulah lagi tak salah. Benda ni lumrah. Mcm pernah tulis dlm Arsonist Jalan Labrooy ((boleh tengok pos 124 (mungkin?)) yg refer kepada kehilangan. Kehilangan tu sebenarnya hadiah yg semua org akan terima dan beri. Ada juga tertulis dlm Langit Vanilla. "Ambil nota bahawa ini bukan soal siapa baik-siapa jahat, atau siapa betul-siapa salah. Ini soal pilihan, yg mana kita semua berhak. Jika kita tidak dipilih, bukan bermaksud dia yg sial atau kita yg sial. Ia bererti kita emas bagi orang lain." Aku setuju dengan tulisan Wani Ardy ni. Many people said, "biar orang buat kita, kita jgn buat orang." Aku dah follow semua tu. Tapi mungkin sampai masa utk condongkan sikit diri. Jgn lurus sgt. Sampai apa orang ckp semua terima. Semua dia betul. Yg salah semua kita. Cepat sgt mengalah. Dgn manusia mcm ni, kita kena main badminton dgn dia. Once dia smash, kita smash balik. Jgn kasi bola tanggung. Kalau asyik dia dpt point, mmg kita la yg kalah. Bila tiba masa di mana orang yg kau paling percaya pun sanggup tinggalkan kau macam tu je without any words, take same action. For me la. Don't need to explain because that person doesn't have any initiative to do so. Like one of my cyber brother once said (which I can't really remember but here a piece of it), "let them push you away, and jauhkan diri dari you. At least you don't have to throw them away because everything clean itself. And in the end, only the one who are willing to stay left." Dan aku percaya. Aku ada satu lagi exam besar. Kalau ada rezeki, insya Allah Mac depan fly. Nanti aku update lagi. Minta maaf. Assalamualaikum.

127.

Assalamualaikum. Orang kata, live life to the fullest. Recently, aku banyak nampak dan baca orang tulis "punya hati angkasa", "perempuan berhati angkasa" dekat bahagian profile. Aku tak berkata yang aku punya hati angkasa atau hati seluas laut sekalipun. Sebab aku tahu semua tu useless. Apa guna kau ada hati seluas angkasa atau sekecil zarah sekalipun tapi dalam hati tu kotor, penuh hitam kelam. Ataupun penuh dengan benda benda tak guna yang kita sibuk fikir just to please others. Useless. Baik aku punya hati sebesar genggaman tangan tapi penuh dengan kasih sayang dan rasa tenang. Tak penuh dengan benda benda bodoh dan rasa dengki kat orang lain. Kau tak rasa bazir ke ada hati besar angkasa tapi penuh tahi. Busuk la. So, kalau kau boleh pilih, nak jadi Blackhole atau Whitehole?

126.

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." - ALBERT EINSTEIN